Hands
by IEatBooksForTea
Summary: His breath hitches. He's scared. He's terrified. His chest heaves, swallowing hard. But he'd rather feel the fear on his face than see it on hers. A oneshot reflecting on the moment where Chris holds a gun to his chin and wishes he had told her how he felt earlier.


**A/N:** I was in desperate need of a Chrashley outlet and neither A Fangirl Carol or Lineage were allowing me that. So I decided to write a oneshot. Not much more back story than that! Enjoy!

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" _Chris?" Ashley's voice sung, her eyes peering over his work. Chris always liked the sound of his name on her lips. She always gave it a little lilt, a tiny tune. He had such a generic name. She made it something special._

" _Hmm?" He hummed back, his eyes focused on his physics textbook. But the black words were blurred and unfocused. He was distracted. He couldn't ignore the feeling of her breath against the side of his cheek, or the ends of her auburn hair brushing against the bare skin of his forearm. He was convinced she washed her hair with some kind of shampoo that gave it special properties – making his skin tingle every inch it touched._

 _He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. Ever so slightly, his eyes slid to the corners of his glasses, taking a peek at her._

 _She really had a habit of stealing his breath away. In moments like this when the light from the library was captured in her rich, reddish hair. Shimmering on her glossy lips. And sparkling in her eyes._

"None of it was wasted!"

 _He didn't care how many times the world declared it was Megan Fox or Emma Watson or_ anyone else _, to Chris, Ashley was the most beautiful person in the whole world._

 _"Can you have a look at this?" Ashley asked, her fingers tapping a question in her homework booklet._

 _Chris smiled. "Sure," he shrugged. Though it was more than just a 'sure'. Chris felt lucky to be the one Ashley spent moments like this with. She wasn't asking anyone else to study with her. And even though that wasn't exactly the most romantic past time, it was intimate nevertheless._

 _Because he was close to her. He was allowed to hear the inner workings of her mind, the vast expressions of her imaginations. In these moments, Ashley shared them with him. He felt privileged. Though whether his mind was as interesting to her as hers was to him, he didn't know. Maybe it wasn't a fair trade._

 _Chris shifted in his seat, just enough that he could get a good look at what she was pointing at. He had to try and force his mind not to focus on the strawberry scent of her hair or how close her nose was to his. Or the way her eyes flickered to him and her cheeks blushed instantly._

" _Well," he coughed, reaching forward and pointing to the maths problem. "If X is here then that makes it..." Chris' words trailed off as he heard the thump of Ashley's heart. She was so silent. This wasn't like her. His eyes lifted from the paper to see Ashley's inches from his. And her cheeks blushed red, her body frozen. Chris swallowed, overwhelmed by her scent, stuck in her gaze. He was trapped in the same place. Unable to move. Not wanting to move._

 _His gut twisted. Do it Chris. His gaze dropped to her lips, parted in shock. Tell her, Chris._

"Every second that I spend with you was all I ever wanted to do with my time!"

 _Ashley's gaze dropped from his, falling to the paper in front of her. Chris' followed. Only for his heart to thump, his eyes dropping in horror to see his hand over hers. He hadn't noticed that when he'd shown her what to do with the maths problem, his hand had brushed against her skin, and landed on hers._

 _He panicked. "Sorry."_

"I-I'm sorry, I should have told you how I felt!"

 _Chris pulled his hand back._

Chris reaches out with his hand.

 _She didn't like it. She wasn't comfortable with it. He'd screwed up. "Sorry, sorry." He shifted his body away, staring blankly at his physics text book, his cheeks flushed red with shame._

His fingers wrap around the cold, black metal of the gun.

 _Chris coughed. Silence filled the heavy space between the two of them. His shoulders twitched, his breathing hitched. He waited for it to return to normal. To a point where they could forget it had ever happened._

The gun is heavy in his hand as he lifts it. And his gaze lifts to see the pools of tears in Ashley's eyes. His gut wrenches to see her like that. He'd do anything to save her from this.

" _So, what are you up to this weekend?" Ashley finally asked. Chris let out a breath of relief, finally feeling normality return, warming the room._

" _Oh, not much," Chris shrugged, feeling the courage to glance back up at Ash, at the small smile on her lips. "Just hanging out with Josh."_

Chris, gritting his teeth, pulls the gut to his chin, pressing the inky black mouth to his skin.

"Wait stop, you can't do it Chris! It should be me!" Ashley cries.

 _Chris met Ashley's eyes. He saw the deep, vast oceans in them. The tiny boat that he could never reach. He couldn't do it. He couldn't say it today._

His breath hitches. He's scared. He's terrified. His chest heaves, swallowing hard. But he'd rather feel the fear on his face than see it on hers.

So, with one final glance at her eyes, at her auburn hair, her deep eyes, he takes a single breath.

He couldn't say it. But at least he could show it.

'I love you.'

And he pulls the trigger.


End file.
